


Terra and Darcy Reenact Llames With Hats!

by AuthorA97



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Llamas with Hats (Web Series)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-01 21:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11495292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthorA97/pseuds/AuthorA97
Summary: (Inspired by this prompt: Make Terra and Darcy do Llamas in Hats with the DW crew watching.) Crack!fic When everyone looked back, they were say it was all Rose's fault. Even Rose herself. She only wanted them to explain the 'Carl' joke. I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT THE TWINS!





	1. Why 'Carl'

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This was all a prompt. 'Make Terra and Darcy re-enact 'Llamas with Hats' with the DW crew watching'. In the words of Barney Stinson, challenge accepted.  
> This is definitely a crack!fic. Please no flames. This was just something fun.  
> Disclaimer: If I owned DW, I can guarantee it would be sadder (but Sherlock and SPN would be there). 'Llamas With Hats' isn't mine either. I am NOWHERE on level to write that comedy gold.

 

It was just one stupid question. It shouldn't have mattered, really, not at all. It was just so stupid and silly a question that Terra felt she had to answer it to the best of her ability.

"Why 'Carl'?" Rose had asked.

"What?" Terra had asked back.

"You called your companion Carl." Rose replied. "Why do that? It doesn't make sense."

It occurred to our protagonist that Rose was from a time four years before the first episode came out.

Rose was from the same time as the birth of Youtube. It made the Time Lady ever so happy to have a new victi-I mean spectator.

Then the Doctor and Jack said they had no idea either.

No, as much as she would argue against it, Terra  _loved_ theatrics.

She asked the Doctor to take her to a theatre. She had a plan, and it needed to be done to justice or else what was the point?

It soon became apparent that the future companions had no idea either, because when the TARDIS landed at Terra's chosen location seven other people were already there.

There was future Martha Jones and Mickey Smith, the couple. Donna Noble and the Tenth Doctor. The Eleventh Doctor and the Ponds (pre marriage).

Terra grinned at her (very much) captive audience.

It took maybe twenty seconds for the Doctors to all realize their other selves were there. Everyone was standing with their own TARDISes (except Martha and Mickey. They said they saw a bright flash and they were just suddenly  _there_ )

Nine turned to glare at the Time Lady, only to find she had vanished.

"Why are we here?" Mickey asked. Well, he  _was_  the one to ask the obvious questions.

"Listen up maggots and I'll tell you!" Terra's voice was coming from the stage. Everyone from the TARDIS crew turned to see the Time Lady on stage, dressed in a light khaki colored baggy hoodie and a matching gray skirt.

"Rose brought to my attention, that you are all virgins." Terra began. "None of you have seen the famous Youtube series  _'Llamas with Hats_ '. I can't let this stand for our friendships to continue, so I asked the TARDIS to bring you here. Guess she decided to bring  _everyone_. Saves me time, at least."

The Doctors and companions stared at Terra in concern.

"The green screen is for me." She gestured to a large TV screen that had been placed in front of the stage. "The TV is for you. Trust me, it's funnier if you watch it from the TV screen."

They didn't like where this was going. Some of them had been friends with Terra for a long time, they knew how her mind worked. Those that knew, knew they weren't allowed to leave until they  _learned_.

"I even asked my own  _personal_ Carl back for help."

Darcy Anderson suddenly walked out from behind the green screen, holding her hands behind her back. She was dressed up a the same clothes as Terra, except Darcy's was dark gray. She was smiling  _way_ too brightly.

"Everyone, this is ' _Carl'._ "

Darcy continued to smile brightly. She pulled out two hats from behind her back- a giant olive green elf cap and a bright red hat with a daisy.

"These are our hats." Terra explained.

The Time Lady and her assassin put the hats on their heads. They never stopped smiling.

The Doctors were all wondering when Terra lost her sanity.

The companions knew she never had it. They were all worried if they would leave as crazy as her.

"And this is us, reenacting ' _Llamas With Hats: The Complete Series'_."

Yep. Everyone blamed Rose.

 


	2. Stabbed 37 Times

 

"The following events are entirely fake. Though...that's not to say we didn't let some truth slip in there."

Lights shined on Terra and Darcy. Terra was glaring at Darcy, hands on her hips and looking  _very_ disapproving. Darcy was staring down at the space between them, a quirky grin on her face.

Team Nine watched with hesitance. They only knew Darcy for a short time, it didn't bode well. Team Ten and Eleven knew Darcy better. They knew to be afraid.

The TV showed Terra and Darcy standing in front of a  _brutally_  murdered dead body.

" _Carl! There is a dead human in our house!"_ Exclaimed Terra.

Darcy was smiling innocently.  _"Oh...hey...How did he get here?"_  Darcy asked, innocently.

" _Caaaarl, what did you do?!"_ Terra asked dramatically.

" _Me?"_  Darcy scoffed, too loudly to be innocent. Her hands went to her chest, an incredulous look on her face.  _"Uh, I didn't do this!"_

" _Explain what happened, Carl!"_  Terra ordered in a panic.

" _I've never seen him before in my life!"_ Darcy excused, turning her nose up at both the body and Terra. She crossed her arms over her chest for emphasis.

Terra did not believe her. _"Why did you kill this person, Carl?"_  Asked Terra sternly.

" _I do not kill people. That is."_  The assassin shook her head, not believing her own lie.  _"That is my_ least _favorite thing to do."_  A few of the companions and River snorted at the obvious lie.

The Time Lady gave her a level stare.  _"Tell me, Carl,_  exactly  _what you were doing before I came home."_  She ordered impatiently.

" _Alright, well...I was upstairs-"_  Darcy began

Terra nodded. _"Okay."_

Darcy glanced around the room, anywhere except the dead body.  _"I was uh...I was sitting in my room-"_

" _Yes?"_

" _Reading a book-"_

" _Sure. Go on."_

Amy and Rory laughed a little, though stopped when Eleven came them a look. Mickey hid his grin. They always loved it when Terra and Darcy argued.

The assassin looked down at the body again.  _"And, uh, well this guy walked in-"_  She motioned to the corpse.

Terra made a face that read 'we're getting somewhere'. _"Okay."_

" _So, I went up to him-"_

" _Yes."_

" _And I...I stabbed him. Thirty-seven times. In the chest."_  Finished Darcy, innocently.

The Doctors and companions stared at Darcy with...with shock. It's the way to describe it. Maybe horror. Maybe a bit of dark humor, in some of the more murder-y (wink wink Jack and River (also no I'm not flirting with either of you!)) companions. The Doctors were a bit angry, glaring at Darcy for  _daring_ to make them  _watch_  this with their  _superior_ eyes!

Terra had the best reaction out of any of them.  _"Caaaaaaaaaaaaarl, that KILLS people!"_  Shouted her very annoyed sister.

" _Oh!"_  Darcy gasped, stupidly. Though it was obvious she was faking for her sister's sake.  _"Well, I didn't know that!"_

Her hand raised to pinch the bridge of Terra's nose.  _"How could you not know that?!"_  She asked in a long, tired whine.

Darcy shrugged, face scrunched up in an awkward smile.  _"Yeah, I'm in the wrong here. I_ suck _."_  She gave a curt nod. She was staring down at the dead body. The awkward smile turned fond.

River and Jack were laughing loudly now.

The Doctors were even starting to crack smiles.

Well, until Terra spoke again.  _"What happened to his hands?"_

Darcy's head snapped to her sister, blinking in confusion.  _"What's that?"_

Terra pointed down at the cartoon body's bloody wrists.  _"His hands."_  She repeated. Rose noticed her voice was rising, as if some horrible ideas were coming to Terra. " _Why-why are they missing? This isn't Veggietales, Carl, people are supposed to have hands!"_

"Oh god, I don't even want to know." Martha groaned, facepalming.

"Why do I get the feeling she's about to say something awful?" Rory asked Amy.

"Cause she is." Mickey answered, having heard the question.

" _Well, I kind of umm...cooked them up. And ate them."_  The assassin answered, happily. It was the same disinterested voice someone used when saying  _'oh I ate the last of your favorite cereal sorry-not sorry'._

"That's pretty bad, yeah." Rory blanched.

The Doctors were disgusted.  _This_  was someone Terra called a best friend? Someone who ate  _hands_?

" _Caaaaaaaaaarl!"_  Terra whined melodramatically.

Darcy shrugged nonchalantly.  _"Well, I-I was hungry. And well, you know, when you crave hands-"_

To be honest, the companions were laughing again.

Terra ran her hand over her face. _"Why on earth would you do that?!"_  She shouted up at the sky.

" _I was hungry for hands!"_  Darcy shrugged off, with a dramatic roll of her eyes.  _"Gimme a break!"_

" _Caaaaaarl!"_ Terra sighed. She pulled her red hat down over her face to hide her own smile.

Darcy smirked, teasingly at Terra.  _"My stomach was making the rumblies."_

" _Caarl!"_

Her smirk turned devilish.  _"That only_  hands  _would satisfy."_

"That's sick!" Donna cried out. "Who would eat hands?"

"I've seen aliens eat people, but never just their hands!" Rory added. Though, it clear if he was trying to reassure Donna or agree with Donna.

"We've all seen that, Rory." River commented, smiling in that knowing way that had all the Doctors drooling (though they'd never admit it to their respective companions).

" _What is wrong with you, Carl?!"_  Terra shouted.

"What's right with her's a shorter list." Jack snarked.

The two pseudo actresses snorted onstage. It sent a chain reaction to all the Doctors and the companions.

Darcy was still laughing as she delivered the final line.  _"Well, I kill people and I eat hands! That's-that's two things!"_

Soft music played as the lights cut off.

 


	3. The Boat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, y’all. I’ve been bingeing Game of Thrones (caught up. Arya is my Queen) and old Star Trek (“ it’s a matter of biology” ...dude Amok Time in the best!). Then there was the entire month of June where I was running around Florida.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just Terra and Darcy.

 

 ****The Doctors and their respective companions found food had been put in front of them.

They all ate their lunches. They was an awkward moment when Eleven ate fish fingers with custard (Ten and Nine couldn’t believe they’d ever eat such a thing in the future, then Eleven snapped at them about their bananas). It was a lifesaver when the stage lights came back on, with Terra and Darcy standing in a yellow lifeboat.

“Do we even want to know why they’re in that?” Donna asked.

“Probably not.” Rory shook his head.

“Is that supposed to be a cruiseship behind them?” Martha asked.

“Oh god it is!” Rose gasped.

“And it’s sinking.” Ten noted.

Mickey shook his head. “I’ve got a bad feeling about that.”

 _“Carl! What on earth was all that?”_ The Time Lady instantly snapped, breaking off the conversations.

 _“I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”_ Darcy answered nonchalantly.

 _“You sunk an entire cruise ship, Carl!”_ Terra shouted.

Darcy stared at Terra in shock. “ _Are you sure that was me? I, I would think I’d remember something like that.”_ The assassin was snickering, rolling her eyes in amusement.

 _“Carl, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain’s face!”_ Terra went on.

 _“That sounds dangerous.”_ Said Darcy.

 _“You were headbutting children off the ship!”_ Terra shouted in outrage.

The companions all gasped out in horror.

 _“That, uh... that must’ve been horrifying to watch!”_ She gasped.

 _“Then you started making out with the ice sculptures!”_ Terra listed.

 _“Well, thank_ God _that the children weren’t on board to see that!”_ Darcy argued strongly, hands on her chest.

“She prioritized the ice sculpture over the headbutting kids?” Amy pointed out. “I feel like ice sculpture should have gone first in that list.”

It was hilarious when they spoke up, because then the two girls on stage had to ‘pause’ themselves until the conversation was over.

Also, Amy made a good point.

“Why _was_ ice sculpture last?” Rose asked.

“Probably just so they could make that joke.” Nine supposed.

“There were a lot worse things to but ahead of it, though.” Rory argued. “And probably something worse in a minute.”

Terra was fighting a smile. _“Uhh... Carl why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?”_ Terra asked, scanning the ‘ocean’.

Darcy looked down at her boots. _“Well I guess you_ could _say it is red and sticky.”_ She commented.

 _“Caaarl, what are we standing in?”_ Terra warned.

 _“Would you believe it’s strawberry milkshake?”_ Darcy asked.

Terra narrowed her eyes. _“No! I would not believe that!”_

Jack snorted. “I don’t know anyone that would.”

 _“Uhh, melted gumdrops?”_ She tried again.

 _“No.”_ Terra replied sternly. Everyone started to laugh.

Darcy winced. _“Boat nectar?”_

 _“No.”_ Terra repeated sternly.

“How does she even think of this stuff?” Rose asked.

Ten shook his head. “I don’t want to know.”

“How long do you think she’s been coming up with stuff like that?” Mickey asked. “I’m not sure if she thought for awhile, or if it’s on the spot.”

Amy shook her head, but she was laughing too. “I don’t care. She’s being ridiculous!”

 _“Some of God’s tears?”_ Darcy answered, sickeningly sweet.

Their friend glared at Darcy. _“Tell me the truth, Carl.”_ Terra ordered.

 _“Fine.”_ She rolled her eyes, groaning. _“It’s the lovely elderly couple from 2B.”_ She answered sweetly.

Terra nearly leapt out of the lifeboat. _“CAAARL!”_ She screamed in disgust and anger.

“Oh my _god._ ” River was laughing. Well, everyone else was too. Sometimes it was nice to laugh at death instead of be surrounded by it.

 _“Well they were, uh, they were taking all the croissant rolls.”_ Darcy reasoned.

 _“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!”_ She facepalmed.

_“I will not apologize for art.”_

_“Where are the other lifeboats?”_ Terra asked, panicked.

 _“Whoa!”_ Darcy laughed. _“You won the prize, I didn’t even notice that.”_

“I’m actually looking forward to what she says.” Martha admitted. “How sick is that?”

“Not very. I’m excited about it too!” Amy admitted.

Terra narrowed her eyes. _“Where are the other lifeboats, Carl?”_

Darcy squinted up at the sky. _“Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun,_ and the position of the stars _, probably at the bottom of the ocean.”_ Terra groaned, letting her head fall against her chest. _“I bit lots of holes in them.”_ Darcy explained proudly.

_“CARL!”_

_“I have a problem. I have a serious problem.”_ Darcy laughed.

 _“You are just, terrible today!”_ Terra shook her head.

“And every other day.” Jack snarked. The people on his couch threw some pillows at him. That made everyone else laugh.

 _“Shhh! D’you hear that?”_ Darcy held her hand against her ear. _“That’s the sound of forgiveness.”_

Terra glared. _“That’s the sound of people drowning, Carl.”_

“That _is what forgiveness sounds like.”_ Darcy explained. _“Screaming and then silence.”_ The two girls looked meaningfully at River, before the stage fell back to darkness.

Eleven looked over to the blonde. She kept her eyes on stage, an impassive look on her face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best work. I’m sorry. I’ve been stressed. Hopefully the next chapter I’ll be less stressed. 


	4. Viva La Revolution

They had been gathered again. They moved around some. Rose, Amy, Martha, Donna, and Clara were all sitting together on one couch. Mickey, Rory, Jack, and River were on the other couch. The three Doctors were stuck together on the last couch together. It was a recipe for disaster.

So basically River's couch thought it was hilarious.

The spotlights turned on. Terra and Darcy stood onstage. Their new set was a burning stone ruin.

Terra glared.  _"Carl, we're supposed to be on vacation._ " She reminded.

" _I don't know about you but I'm having a lovely time here._ " Darcy explained it delight, flipping her hair back.

 _"You toppled a south american government, Carl._ " Terra snapped.

Jack snorted. "Amatuer! I've done that twice!"

 _"The people have spoken, valvata the resistance._ " Darcy decreed.

Terra  _"You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan._ " The

"Have you done _that_?" Amy asked Jack.

"No." Jack answered.

Darcy turned her nose up.  _"He was a traitor and a scoundrel._ "

 _"He was trying to stop you from pushing other people into a giant fan!_ " Terra shouted.

Darcy opened her mouth to argue. Instead, to the disgust of everyone in the room, she 'threw-up' an arm.

"Oh my god!"

"That's disgusting!"

"How did that even  _fit?"_

River hit Jack with a pillow. "I didn't say that!"

"You were thinkin' it." Mickey countered.

 _"That was an arm. I seemed to have swallowed an entire person._ " Darcy mused.

 _"That would be the hotel bartender._ " She deadpanned.

Darcy clicked her fingers.  _"Well that makes sense why my nachos taking so long._ "

Terra shuddered.  _"It was horrifying, Carl, your mouth unhinged like a snake._ " The girl couch shuddered as well. They'd all seen aliens that could do stuff like that.

 _"Wow, that sounds pretty awesome._ " The assassin chuckled.

 _"I can't go anywhere with you, Carl._ " She sighed.

"Neither can we!" The Ninth Doctor and Amy shouted.

"Amy!" The Eleventh Doctor scolded.

"You covered me in space whale sick!" Amy defended herself. "I was in my nightie!"

Darcy sniffled, turning her back on Terra.  _"That hurt my feelings, now we're both in the wrong._ "

 _"I wanna go home, we're leaving._ " She turned to walk off the stage.

_"In that case I should probably mention that all our luggage is filled with orphan meat."_

Terra stopped.  _"Wh-what?_ "

 _"I'm building a meat dragon and any meat won't do._ " Darcy explained.

"A meat dragon?" Amy asked. She turned to the other women on her couch. "Anyone see  _that_  before?"

"I saw a Jagrabelly-"

"Jagrafess." Nine corrected.

"-it _looked_ like a dragon." Rose answered.

"Saw this giant head thing with tentacles." Martha answered. "It wasn't a dragon but it was weird like one."

"Oh! I bet none of you saw little aliens made of fat!" Donna challenged. "Or a giant mad spider lady!"

"Cybermen!" Mickey challenged.

"Vampire fish!" Rory countered.

"Oh, Jim the Fish." River recalled in delight.

"Bet none of you saw a giant lizard thing come out from a crack in your bedroom wall!"

"Stop it!" The Doctors all scolded.

 _"You know what? Forget it I'm not even shocked anymore._ " Terra lifted her arms up in defeat.

 _"Oh, that's no fun._ " Darcy pouted.

 _"This has become the norm for you Carl._ "

 _"I'll have to try harder next time._ " Darcy teased.

 _"Please don't._ "

 _"I feel like I've initiated a challenge._ "

 _"Carl._ " Terra growled.

 _"It's too late now, you._ "

 _"You?_ " Terra asked

 _"I totally don't know your name._ " Darcy deadpanned.

The Time Lords tensed. The female companions leaned forward in anticipation. The males and River watched in interest.

 _"What? We've known each other since you were a kid, Carl._ " Terra reminded.

 _"And what an impression you've made._ " Darcy complimented.

 _"My name is Terra._ "

Darcy blinked.  _"What?_ "

 _"I said my name is Terra._ " Terra repeated.

 _"Oh. I thought you were a man._ " Darcy admitted.

Terra gawked at her. Jack, Mickey, and Rory laughed out loudly.  _"Why would you think that?_ "

 _"Mostly the fashion sense, are you sure?_ " Darcy asked, much to the delight of everyone on River's couch.

 _"Yes._ " Terra was nearly grinding her teeth.

Darcy's eyes widened. She shuffled in place.  _"Well if you excuse me I have some pictures to delete from my computer..._ "

"Alright. Is this done?" Ten asked, rising up from his couch.

Terra broke character. "Well this  _scene_. I'm thinking the next one'll start after we get pizza."

"No I mean all of this." Ten motioned to the room. "This performance. Your friend, Carl, _could not_  have done all of this."

"Yeah." Nine rose up beside his successor.

Terra looked over at Darcy. "They don't think you're this insane."

"We could tell them about... _the birthday party_." Darcy grinned wolfishly.

Terra blanched. "Oh no, no, no. This is fun, this is safe. They do  _not_  need to see your birthday party."

Jack raised his hand. "I'd like to see it."

Rory did too.

Terra groaned.

Darcy squeaked in delight. She clapped her hands, jumping in place. "We're gonna talk about my birthday! We're gonna talk about my birthday!" She sang.

_It was at that point, the companions knew, they fucked up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah. I'm getting real now.


	5. The (Not-So) Happy Birthday

The stage lit up. The Doctors and their companions (plus River. She was on a different level from the regular companions) looked at the stage in confusion. There was no green screen, or TV. They were used to seeing the green screen now, as well as seeing Terra and Darcy waiting there. Some actually looked forward to seeing it.

The stage was empty. Terra wasn’t even there. It was just an empty stage.

They were concerned up until the Time Lady marched up to center stage. She wasn’t wearing the khaki outfit, nor her usual purple hoodie. Instead she wore a green shirt. She was wearing a pair of jeans, though.

“Terra?” Jack prompted. “You alright? You look annoyed.”

“I am.” Terra snapped. The newer companions (aka, everyone who hadn’t met Second Terra) stared in surprise. They hadn’t seen this Terra angry yet. “You fuckers  _ asked _ for this.” This surprised the new companions again. They weren’t used to her swearing. Nine and Rose snorted at it. “And I won’t forgive you, any of you, for it. Especially  _ you _ , Rose. I blame most of this on you.”

“I didn’t know it’d be this!” Rose defended herself.

Terra didn’t listen. She turned around, walking back from where she came. “Welcome to the  _ Happy Birthday That Must Not Be Brought Up. _

The lights went out.

A few minutes later, they came back on. The stage had the green screen back, with the TV screen. The TV screen showed a nice family home, looking somewhat fancy with a pair of double doors that led presumably to another room.

Darcy sat on the stage. She wasn’t wearing the gray outfit. Instead she wore a pair of long jeans, a long sleeved rainbow striped shirt, and her head was free of the hat. She was sitting sideways in a big comfy chair, drawing on a book. 

Terra stormed back onstage. _ “Dammit, Anderson, I’m gonna kill ya!” _ Terra snapped as she marched.

The other woman didn’t even flinch.  _ “Not on my birthday, right? I just turned nine. Let me get to the double digits first!”  _ Darcy laughed, not getting up from her chair. “ _ Wait. Just in case, tell me what I did again.” _

Jack and River laughed. It wasn’t a surprise that Darcy was a troublemaker. Terra seemed to attract them like moths to an active flame.

_ “You tracked mud all over the nice carpet!” _ Terra growled. She gestured down to the carpet which, according to the TV screen, had a trail of dark red footprints.

“ _ Mud? That’s not-”  _ Darcy glanced down at it. She hummed in surprise.  _ “Huh. Yep. Call it mud.”  _ She grinned back up at Terra.  _ “That’s all?” _

Terra narrowed her eyes.  _ “What did you do?” _

_ “It’s my birthday! Give me a  _ break. _ ”  _ Darcy defended herself, dryly.

_ “I’ll _ ‘break’ _ your leg!” _ Terra replied.

Everyone laughed. 

“Terra was feisty.” Mickey chuckled.

“Carl doesn’t even look worried.” Amy noted.

“Now that right there is a mess!”

Terra growled, annoyed.  _ “I just had it cleaned yesterday, dumbass! The O’Rileys are gonna see this and be  _ pissed _!” _ Terra stomped her foot for emphasis.

_ “They have kids. Blame it on them.”  _ Darcy excused.  _ “They’re assholes anyway.” _

“The O’Rileys or their kids?” Martha asked the others.

Rory shrugged. “I think she’s talking about both.”

“She definitely is.” Nine voiced. If he happened to know that because he believed humans were idiots, none of his companions said.

Terra went on.  _ “Those are clearly your footprints, Purple! I can see it on your shoes!” _

_ “What’s got you all messed up today?”  _ Darcy asked. She positioned herself so that Terra couldn’t see the bottoms of her shoes. Ten could tell (by the tone of her voice alone) this ‘Carl’ didn’t care at all about Terra’s plight, thinking it all some joke.

Terra huffed. She moved over to the door, leaning against it. _ “Purple, please, for five second-WOAH!” _

The door behind her slid open, causing Terra to fall through it. 

Everyone gasped (and gagged) when they saw what was inside.

At first glance, it was a happy family dinner. A small family of four: two parents, one girl, one boy (though the kids looked more like teenagers). They were dressed up in nice clothes, hair done up all nice. They had been planning for a fancy dinner. Well, they got it half right.

Closer look showed the places faces of the family, the vacant look in their eyes. Foam was coming out from their blue lips, dripping down their shirts. They must’ve been tied to their chairs, because they clearly weren’t able to do it themselves. In addition to needing the support, they’d have fallen into the bowls of what looked like chili set out on the table. Anyone with even some medical knowledge knew they’d been poisoned by the chili.

Everyone on the couches were disgusted. Rose, Donna, and Amy were looking peaky. Martha, a medical professional and survivor of the Year-That-Never-Was, wasn’t so disgusted. Mickey had seen a lot of horrible things when fighting the Cybermen. The Doctors and Jack were (sadly) used to violence. River, who knew these two better than the others, watched with a fond sort of smile (she had heard this story before, after one of Darcy’s other birthdays).

_ “CARL!” _ Terra yelled.

She hopped up from her chair, spreading her arms wide.  _ “Happy Birthday!” _ Darcy shouted, sounding an awful like Frosty the Snowman.

“ _ Do  _ not _ quote Frosty to me!” _ Terra snapped as she got back up to her feet.  _ “Why.  _ Why _ would you do this?” _

_ “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace _ !” Darcy cheered, pointing finger guns at Terra.  _ “Get it?” _

The Time Lady on stage quickly covered her hand with her mouth, staying in character as herself from the past. Though when she lowered her hand, the Doctors and her own companions could see the corners of her lips fighting a smile. 

_ “Don’t quote John Mulaney to me! Why did you do it?” _ Terra snapped in exasperated rage.

_ “Why don’t you blow out our candles? I forgot how old you were turning, so I just settled for nine. Like me!”  _ Darcy cheered. _ “And, you know, the actual candles. Just imaginary candles. You still gotta blow ‘em out.” _

_ “You’ve gone too far this time, Carl!”  _ Terra snapped.

_ “Was that a challenge?”  _ Darcy asked, glee in her voice.

“Who would take that as a  _ challenge _ ?” Rory asked.

“I know someone that would.” River commented, not admitting that the person was her previous self. It was too early in Rory’s timeline for that.

_ “No it was  _ not! _ ”  _ Terra replied in what was definitely a warning that Darcy should never do this again.  _ “Why did you even do this? Things were going so well!” _

_ “It wasn’t me. They went online without their parents permission!” _

_ “Carl.” _

_ “They ripped the tag off a mattress!” _

The companions would later (once they stopped being so disgusted) say that Carl was actually rather funny with those excuses. The Ninth Doctor would only ever admit it if you got him drunk first.

_ “This isn’t funny, Carl!” _ Terra 

_ “Who’s laughing?” _ Darcy replied. For a few brief seconds, the Doctors thought she had a shred of decency. _ “Clearly not the O’Rileys!” _ Whoop, there it goes. Bye, bye, little human decency.

_ “We’re leaving...right now. Before anyone notices!” _ Terra demanded. She started walking off the stage.

_ “But think of all the _ chili  _ we get to munch on now!” _ Darcy called her back.

Terra whirled over to face her, looking more disgusted than the companions were.  _ “But why? I hate chili!” _

_ “Because we’re family now, and family is two sisters munching on a well cooked bowl of chili together.” _ Darcy insisted.

_ “That isn’t family Carl, that’s _ sick _!”  _ Terra informed. She started to move back off stage. She paused just before reaching it. Her expression dropped into one of sad realization.  _ “Where’s their uncle? He was in town for the week.” _

Darcy blinked innocently.  _ “Well if you didn’t like the decorations, then you’re probably not going to like the secret ingredient of the chili.” _ She pointed to the bowl of stew, set in the middle of the table.

The Doctors immediately understood.

River, Jack, and Martha did as well. 

_ “What does that even have to do with...oh Sweet Merciful Author! _ ” The Time Lady onstage mimed gagging. “ _ You Scott Tenorman’d them!” _

_ “SURPRISE!” _ The woman playing her nine-year-old self cheered.

“ _ Scott Tenorman _ ?” Amy asked the group.

“It’s from an adult cartoon.” River answered. “Where a character made a boy named Scott Tenorman eat his parents for revenge after he’d been humiliated in front of the town.”

“The uncle is in the soup.” The Eleventh Doctor finished.

Then, the rest of the companions were ready to vomit.

Terra and Darcy had to stop the reenactment for a few minutes, while the companions all adjusted. Some of them went off to puke in a provided bucket. Others had held out for a while, until hearing the others empty their stomachs. 

Terra was fighting it too.  _ “Ah oh uh no ah uh!” _ She shrunk away from the other woman in disgust.

_ “I’m sorry! _ ” Darcy called out to her. _ “I thought you’d like it. Obviously there was a miscommunication.” _

_ “This awful Carl!”  _ Terra scolded. She grimaced.  _ “Oh Storyline, that’s not mud on your’s shoes! It’s O’Riley blood!” _

_ “You’re right. It’s not nearly as  _ tasteful _ as I pictured it in my head.” _ The woman admitted.

“You’re bloody well right it’s not!” Mickey called out.

_ “Don’t make murder puns! I think I’m going to throw up...” _ Terra admitted, holding her stomach.

_ “This was clearly the wrong way to go.” _ Darcy admitted.

_ “Ya think, Carl?!” _ Terra ranted, still holding her stomach. She let out a stabling breath.

_ “They didn’t even question it! They just ate the stupid chili! That _ I. Cooked. _ Who eats food I made? They didn’t even stop when they  _ definitely _ could tell it was poisoned!” _ Darcy defended herself.

_ “But that isn’t the problem, Carl! Why would you think any of this is a good idea?” _ Terra asked.

“That’s what I’d like to know.” The Ninth Doctor added.

“This was disgusting.” Rose agreed. She had been one of the first ones to lose her gut. She was still pale from it.

“No matter how terrible it is, I know that girl.” River revealed. “If she did this, there was good reason for it.”

“For making someone eat their own family?” Amy whirled around to ask her. She’d only met River a short time ago. She didn’t want to know what kind of person would think this was okay.

River nodded. “Yes.”

“You sure about that?” Donna countered. “Because that’s the most _ disgusting _ thing I’ve ever seen! And I’ve seen giant spiders!”

Fortunately, the sisters cut them off by starting back up again.

_ “I told you, they were assholes!” _ Darcy excused. _ “Katy was doing drugs that she bought from Kenny’s friend, has since she was twelve. I found out that Kenny set them up. The fosters were because they let the uncle do what he wanted.” _

_ “And that was...”  _ Terra dragged off, clearly not wanting to ask because she already knew the answer.

_ “I was eight when he did it to me.” _ Darcy replied. She glanced over at the chili, dismissive. _ “So, I let him get ate.” _

The whole room paused.

_ “Oh.” _ Terra replied, so much behind a single word.

_ “Taste of his own medicine, right? That’s what you said to do. You’ve been saying to me for _ years. _ ” _ The woman excused her actions. But her words were shaking, just a bit, the way a child’s would when they were nervous. It was noticeable for the people watching, who had seen children scared before. This must be how it’d been when it first happened, how Darcy first reacted to the treatment.

Terra was reacting the same too. She was still pale, though there was strength in her expression. A determination those in Nine’s group had seen before. 

_ “Alright. New town.” _ Terra decided, all of her previous anger gone from her voice.

Darcy beamed. She raised her arms in the air.  _ “Yay!” _

Terra snorted.  _ “This is the present you wanted, wasn’t it?” _ She asked.

Darcy started wailing her arms about.  _ “Yay!” _

The lights went out.

Five minutes later, when everyone was calmer, Terra came back out. She was back in the simple dress, complete with the flower hat.

“Can we go back to the  _ Llamas With Hats _ now?” Terra asked impatiently to the time travelers. She didn’t let them answer. They weren’t going to. “Good. Be back in five.”

Darcy huffed in disappointment. “But I  _ liked _ it this way!”

“Carl.” Terra warned. “Put on the dress!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw the South Park episode ‘Scott Tenorman Must Die’, and went ‘Shit that’s something Darcy would’ve done...HOLY SHIT! IDEA!’ So that’s my explanation for this monstrosity.


	6. What Did You Do Today?

Terra and Darcy skipped out, dressed up in the dresses with hats. They had changed the set again. They were standing outside maybe in a park. Oddly this was the normalest scene the Doctors and Companions had seen yet.

_ “Carl! I know you’ve done something!” _ Terra snapped.

“Of course she did something.” Mickey snorted. “I barely know her, and I already can tell she’s done something.”

_ “Whatever do you mean?” _ Darcy asked innocently. 

_ “You’ve always done something. It’s a lovely day out, we’re having a good time. What have you done?” _ Terra demanded.

“Sounds a lot like the Doctor.” River mused.

That made various companions giggle. The Doctors all looked offended. Even Terra snorted.

Nine gawked at her. “Terra!”

“Sorry! It’s just-” She snorted again. “It’s true.” She turned to Darcy. “Okay, okay, sorry. Keep going.” Terra suppressed her snickers (unsuccessfully).

_ “You mistake me for some sort of scoundrel.” _ Darcy raised her nose to the Time Lady.

_ “Carl!” _ Terra warned.

_ “I am as respected member of the community.” _ Darcy argued.

“Yeah right!” Donna heckled to the amusement of the others.

_ “Okay Carl, so what did you do today?” _ Terra challenged. 

_ “Well let’s see...I washed the car.” _ Darcy reported.

Everyone laughed again.

_ “Uhuh.” _ Terra hummed.

_ “I made a donation to the local girl scout troop.” _ Darcy continued.

_ “Sure.” _ Terra clearly agreed with the laughing audience.

_ “I returned an overdue movie at Blockbuster.” _ Darcy added, as though just remembering she’d done that deed. Or, thinking it was a good deed that could trick her sister.

Terra was not so easily tricked.  _ “What else?” _

_ “Hmm...I stepped on a ladybug by accident.” _ Darcy

That actually made Terra pause. Ten knew Terra’s expressiosn fairly well by his time. He knew her face right now was her _ ‘I can’t believe this but I actually believe you mean what you say’ _ face.

_ “Go on.” _ Terra ordered.

_ “And...I baked some banana bread for our neighbor.” _ Darcy cheered with finality.

_ “That’s it?” _ Terra asked, not seeing what the awful thing was just yet.

“She’s hiding something.” Rose commented.

“Yeah we got that.” Martha remarked.

_ “That’s all I did today.” _ Darcy stated as a crack appeared in the space between her and Terra- and not on the green screen either. _ “Ohh.” _

Two particular viewers jumped up in shock.

“Doctor that’s-” Amy began.

“I know.” Eleven cut her off.

“But how could it be-”

“ _ I don’t know _ !” Eleven replied shortly. “And I don’t like not knowing.”

_ “Carl! What is that?” _ Terra demanded.

_ “I may have forgot to mention one of my activities.” _ Darcy smiled innocently, hands over her heart.

_ “Carl!” _ Terra snapped.

_ “I apologize, that was wrong.” _ Darcy pouted.

_ “Explain Carl!” _ Terra ordered.

_ “Well from here it looks like a weather balloon.” _ Darcy joked.

“Doctor I still don’t understand.” Amy reminded her best friend. Eleven’s jaw tensed.

“I don’t get what’s wrong with the crack.” Mickey spoke up. “Or why you’re so worked up about it.”

_ “I’m not in the mood for this.” _ Terra went on, making her voice louder than the audience.

_ “I think it’s just a lens flare and some dust.” _ Darcy countered. 

_ “Just tell me Carl.” _ Terra insisted.

_ “Fine. I may have created a crack in space time.”  _ Darcy admitted.

“...but that’s not possible!” Ten shouted.

“I’m still figuring it out, to be honest.” Eleven admitted. Nine gawked at him. “It’s hard to explain, alright?!”

“Where did you even find that?” Donna asked.

“It was on my bedroom wall when I was a little girl.” Amy revealed.

Before anyone could comment on  _ that,  _ that crack started spilling out something. A few of them felt queasy when they realized what it was.

_ “Through which to collect millions of baby hands.” _ Darcy continued.

Someone ran to a bucket to throw up. Surprisingly it was Donna.

Terra blinked.  _ “Hmm.” _

Darcy’s jaw dropped.  _ “What do you mean ‘hmm’?” _ She asked, offended.

Terra looked between Darcy and the crack.  _ “I think I was expecting worse.” _ She admitted.

_ “Worse? But this is totally fugged sis.” _ Darcy failed her arms towards the crack, still spilling baby hands out on the floor. Like  _ actual _ baby hands.

_ “I know but last time, with the soup and the dead family, it’s just.” _ Terra shrugged. Her expression flat.

“What the hell?!” River shouted. “You’ve shouted at  _ me _ for less!”

“Yes!” Ten shouted from the other side of the room. “It’s spilling out  _ baby hands _ !”

_ “Come on, look at this. How did I even do this?” _ Darcy agreed with the disgusted crowd.

_ “I don’t understand how or why you do anything.” _ Terra admitted.

Darcy drooped. She turned to the crowd, matching their confused and disgusted expressions.

_ “Do you know what it feels like to be Carl right now? It hurts.”  _ She put her hands over her heart, pained. Darcy glanced to the baby hands. “ _ Not as much as the babies but it hurts.” _

_ “Uh Carl?” _ Terra began.

_ “What?” _ Darcy sniffled, still pretending to be pained. 

_ “Why are there only hands from white babies?” _ Terra asked, pointing down at the growing pile of baby hands.

“I didn’t even notice that.” Rose gasped.

Mickey had. He just thought there had been enough disgust had for one day.

_ “Well, you know, whities gotta pay.” _ Darcy pointed finger guns at Terra.

_ “Ah.” _ Terra didn’t want to respond to that.

_ “And the payment is baby hands.” _ Darcy continued.

The two bowed to their pale and disgusted audience.

“Now she didn’t make a  _ real  _ crack.” Terra admitted. “She just left a lot of severed hands with no explanation to how she got them.”

“Still haven’t said.” Darcy cheered.

Terra ignored her. “But it was the first time I wasn’t appalled by her actions. Like we said, I expected worse than severed hands.”

“Great! Next episode. Now. Shut down the crack.” Darcy instructed.

Terra paused. “...I thought you brought the crack.”

Darcy raised her eyebrows. She stared at the crack in trepidation now. “TARDIS?” Darcy guessed.

“The TARDIS has this many baby hands?” Terra countered.

“She’s weird.” Darcy supplied.

As if answering that, the crack and pile of baby hands vanished in a bang.

 


	7. Meat Dragon

This time, the skit just began. No build up. Well the only real buildup was when the lights came on to reveal Terra and Darcy, standing in front what looked like a bathtub.

_ “Aren’t you going to say it?” _ Darcy asked.

_ “Say what, Carl?” _ Terra snarked.

_ “That! My name! All offended and annoyed!” _ Darcy pointed out with cheer.

“Carl!” Jack tried it.

“Carl!” Amy laughed, getting the joke. 

“Carl!” Mickey joined in the fun.

“Carl!” Donna snapped, laughing. 

“Carl!” Martha tried for serious-it fell flat with her giggling.

All five burst out laughing. River and Rose joined in laughing, and soon Eleven was laughing. It wasn’t long before even the grumpiest of the lot- a pouting Nine- was grinning at the antics.

_ “I’m leaving Carl.” _ Terra stated.

_ “What?” _ Darcy gasped.

_ “I’m moving out.” _ Terra clarified.

“She’s what?

_ “It’s the bathtub full of melted people, isn’t it? You never were a fan of modern home design.” _ Darcy turned her nose on Terra.

_ “It’s a lot of things, Carl!” _ Terra argued.

_ “Just let me explain!” _ Darcy pleaded. She stood up straighter.  _ “Efficiency, industry, never before has so many dead bodies been so manageable.” _ Darcy waved her arms over the bathtub, like how in the infomercials the woman shows off the jewelry.

_ “Carl!” _ Terra snapped.

The humans grimaced in disgust.

_ “I’m the Henry Ford of human meat.” _ Darcy boasted.

Terra groaned.  _ “I’ve already packed, I’m not coming back.” _

“About time.” Ten commented.

_ “Awe come on! We haven’t even gotten to the big surprise yet!” _ Darcy complained.

_ “I’m sure it’s  _ very _ upsetting.” _ Terra replied, snarkily.

_ “Well, now I don’t even want to show you.” _ She turned away from Terra, raising her nose up.

_ “Good! I don’t want to see it.” _ Terra replied.

“For the record, neither do we.” Rory requested.

River raised her hand. “I do.”

“Seriously?” Eleven asked her. “You want to see what disgusting thing she’s cooked up this time?”

“She’s funny.” River reasoned. “After that whole chili thing, I want to see what she does next.”

“Last time she broke a hole in space time!” Ten argued.

River gave him a look. “Oh like you three haven’t done that at least  _ once _ .”

The Doctors refused to answer that.

It made the companions laugh at them. Yes  _ at _ them. Not  _ with _ them.

_ “And your being a huge b hole right now.” _ Darcy remarked.

_ “I’m not the one pushing people into a bathtub full of acid!” _ Terra pointed out.

“That’s right you’re not!” Nine shouted.

Jack laughed. “She could if she wanted to though.”

“Jack!” Ten scolded.

“I’m not saying she  _ would _ , just that she  _ could _ !” Jack defended himself.

_ “I’m not pushing, I’m dunking!” _ Darcy corrected with glee.

_ “Gross!” _ Terra spoke for the Doctors and companions in the room, who all were disgusting by the imagery.

_ “Do you know what’s gross? Your attitude. _ ” Darcy replied.

_ “Are you serious?” _ Terra scoffed.

_ “What have I done to deserve all this b-hole coming out of your mouth?” _ Darcy asked.

_ “It’s everything, Carl! It’s everything you’ve done! Ever!” _ Terra listed.

_ “Everything? Even the time I helped Mrs Bixby with her garden?” _ Darcy countered.

“She actually helped someone?” Amy asked.

_ “You buried her there!”  _ Terra pointed out.

“Ah. That makes sense.” Martha nodded her head.

_ “It’s what she would’ve wanted.” _ Darcy defended.

_ “You buried her alive!”  _ Terra added.

“Now it really makes sense.” Rose agreed.

_ “She wasn’t keeping up with the weeding. As president of the Homeowners Association, I had to take  _ immediate _ action.”  _ Darcy excused.

“What the hell?” Mickey asked while River was laughing. “Oi!”

“I knew she’d be funny.” River laughed. This real soft kind where you didn’t know she was laughing unless you looked at her face.

_ “All you do is kill people, Carl!” _ Terra

_ “That’s like saying all Mozart did was write songs. _ ” Darcy scoffed.

“Okay who’s going to use that excuse?” Amy asked, raising her hand. “Cause I’m going to use that excuse.”

River held up her hand. As did Jack and Rory.

“Rory!” Eleven gasped.

Rory shrugged. “I mean, it was a good line.”

“You’re a nurse!” Eleven argued. “You’re always supposed to be on the opposite side of this!”

“Well...no.” Rory shook his head. “I mean yeah but no. Carl is clearly just a troubled young girl who- _ OW!” _

Rory had just been hit in the head with a shoe.

Yeah. The companions turned to the stage. Darcy was currently missing one of her shoes, glaring at Terra as if she hadn’t done a thing. Terra was doing a poor job of hiding her laughter, she was red in the face.

It made them all laugh, to be honest. The Doctors were doing a better job at hiding their laughter, but only because it had been Rory.

_ “You are completely insane!” _ Terra laughed through clenched teeth.

_ “Oh, weird! That’s what all these dunked people said.” _ Darcy gestured to the bathtub.

There was a loud shrill scream. It took the companions a moment to realize it was coming from the bathtub. The Doctors knew instantly. Smug showoffs.

An arm shot up from the tub, reaching towards Terra. The only identifying thing about the hand was a bracelet around her wrist, the rest of it was red with blood. She stared down at it with disappointment. The arm fell over the side of the tub.

_ “Is that the surprise?” _ Terra asked, rubbing her forehead.

_ “...no.” _ Darcy lied, angrily.

_ “That looks like Miss Bishop’s bracelet. Did you murder our foster mother so we’d  _ both _ have to move, Carl?”  _ Terra asked.

_ “...maybe.”  _ Darcy admitted.

Terra sighed.  _ “It’s horrifying, Carl.” _

_ “Thank you.” _ Darcy

The companions laughed again. Yes the scene was grotesque but that didn’t stop it from being funny.

Except for one in particular. Who noticed Terra had said  _ ‘our.’ _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever. Got busy with school, other fics, 30+ hours working 3 jobs, and also watching TV.


End file.
